This is my life: the phone call

We’re driving to an event together. He’s driving. I’m looking around and relaxing. The phone rings. He lets go of my hand to answer it.

“Hello.”

A woman’s voice on the other end of the line. Alarm bells start softly sounding in my head. So many times I’ve been suspicious that I’m actually a mistress in the traditional sense of the word.

“Yeah. Ok.”

The bells are louder now. He sounds like he might be avoiding. Is he? I can’t really tell, but I don’t want to be a dirty little secret. I hate that. I already have one man in my life that won’t talk about me to any of his friends or family. And I’ve only known the wild thing for a few months. Maybe I don’t know him as well as I thought I did. Maybe I’m his dirty little secret and I didn’t realize it. The alarm bells are going crazy.

“No. I’m hanging out with Anonymouskinky today. Ok. Bye.”

I look at him and I almost want to cry. He grabs for my hand again. Smiling at me. He wants to touch me. He is telling the other person on the end of the line that I’m in his life. He isn’t keeping me a secret. He isn’t ashamed of me or of what we are doing together. I hardly know what to do with myself.

“What? You’re looking at me funny. I was just telling my mom I am busy today.”

And later. Much later. The next day later…

“I’m having dinner with a few friends tonight. Would you like to come? I’m inviting you.”

I’m floored. It hurts me a little that I’m so floored by this. I shouldn’t be. But I am. I just want to hold him and make every single one of his dark dreams come true.

 

Edit: And as a contrast. The raven broke our date tonight with about a half hour’s notice. It’s been over a year we’ve known each other now. Nobody in his life knows I exist. The contrast is staggering.

This is my life: be careful what you ask for…

I read a series of books wherein women rule in basically every kingdom… or queendom as the case may be! In this particular series, the court isn’t chosen via political manouverings as in most historical kingdoms. Rather the court is chosen because the people who are meant to serve a particular queen recognize it, as does the queen. She recognizes those who are meant to serve her. It is innate and does not require much effort in the actual recognition.

I’ve often wished for that. I’ve wished that I could just recognize those with the potential to serve me well or to be mine. Well, I’ve gotten a taste of it I think. And now I’m not exactly sure what to do about it. Be careful what you ask for. You just might get it.

When I met the husband, I knew he was mine. It wasn’t exactly immediate, but it was a certain feeling that this one… this one is special. This one has potential. And within a few weeks, I had that “You just know” feeling about him. Now, several years later, I have been running into men who strike something in me. None of them strike me in quite the way the husband did. But they do strike me. They make me want to engage them. They make me want … something … from them. They bring out my desire to control. To hurt. To own.

But there are too many of them! I never wanted a harem of men to serve me. I don’t even know if I could manage so many. First there was one. Then two. Now there are three of them. What the hell would I even do with 4 submissives? Who has that much time? And yet… and yet… I find myself drawn to all of them for various reasons. The husband, the raven, the wild thing, and now one more. I was not prepared for the wild thing. He hit me like a baseball bat to the head. And now I feel like I’ve once again been sucker punched. What was I thinking asking for a gut instinct to guide my hand in whom I should be having a D/s relationship with?

The state of the union

I’ve been tired and cranky lately despite having a lot of fun as well. I think that the fun has made me miss the times when I can’t have fun. Or that I can’t have fun with the people I’d like to be having the fun with. I’m very grateful to my friends. I don’t have a line of friends around the block. I have a few friends that I enjoy spending time with. I treasure them. (In one case, I treasure him so much as a friend that though I can tell he would love to bottom to me, I won’t even consider risking the friendship for some sadistic fun.) My friends have been great about trying to keep me busy and my spirits up. But they are no substitute for the men I want to be spending physical time with.

I think I’m reaching my limit on doing without the physicality I crave and need. Dealing with the lack of physical presence of the raven was a lot more palatable when I had the husband around. But now that he is a visitor instead of living here, I am not getting what I need as often as I need it. People I know are a terrible fit for me are starting to look more palatable. That’s not a good thing. Luckily, I’m still at a point where I recognize it’s not a good thing and is a result of my needs not being met. But I can conceive a time that line will blur if this continues.

Also. I’m completely over the whole “Alpha” thing. I don’t care if it’s alpha dog or alpha male or alpha bitch or alpha slave. I’m over it.

 

Musings on the raven

Somehow he manages to be the perfect mix of unpretentious intellectual.. challenging me to think, to ponder, to consider, to keep up with him…

man’s man… having worked as a farmer, done minor construction work, and studied martial arts…

romantic artist… creating his own art and sharing my past and present artistic loves…

geek… talking computers, video games, and sci fi with me…

and whore… eagerly awaiting what i might do to him or ask him to do for me…

i want him. i can’t have him. it pains me.

Quickie sickie update

Well I’m drowning in a sea of tissues. But there are some bright spots on the horizon. 

The husband was turned on at work by some things we were discussing yesterday. I didn’t know it at the time, but I can really get behind his being turned on in inappropriate places. As long as it isn’t going to get him fired! I like the idea that he might have not particularly wanted to be turned on, but was in spite of himself. Especially hot since it took me so long to talk him into chastity! So not only was he turned on, but he knew there would be no release. And he wasn’t in a scene. He was just out there in the vanilla world. Hot!

Also I found out that the raven has started sitting down to pee. I mentioned in passing that I found it to be much better and less messy when a guy sits to pee. I didn’t ask for it specifically, I just mentioned it was something I prefer. I consider this to be a good sign on a few levels. First, he is paying attention. That’s just invaluable. And he clearly wants to do things that please me. Plus he spent quite a lot of time and effort in my direction last week.

Lastly, my piss smells like chemicals due to all the medications I’m taking for this horrid illness. Perhaps I started noticing the “quality” of my urine when I got into piss play. I don’t know. But I hate the way it smells when I’m taking medication. I’d hate to think how bad it would taste. Lucky for them that I’m in no mood to play when I’m sick.

This is my life: being ill

It’s very late tonight. Or it’s very early in the morning. I’ve had a challenging week. And the only bright spots in it have been you. Both of you have given me your time and attention. You have made me laugh and smile. I find myself appreciating the time you took making sure I didn’t have a completely miserable week. You both mean so much to me in your own ways. I appreciate that you are both willing to take time to make me smile. To be silly with me. I’m so rarely silly. I need that in my life. And I am also strangely glad neither of you is here right now. Though I wouldn’t throw you out if you were here. I don’t like people seeing me while I’m sick or ill. My nose is running. I’m coughing. And I’m rather grumpy. I’m existing on cough drops and echinacea tea. It’s really not the image I want locked in my lovers’ heads. I want them to see me as sexy and strong. Snot running down my face as I am searching in vain for one last tissue is decidedly un-sexy. That being said, I know the husband is an incredibly giving and patient nurse. He has certainly seen me at my worst. He’s still here. I know he can handle my supersonic sneezing and whinging about how much my nose hurts. The raven, I don’t know how well he would handle the reality of a sick dominant. But I suppose that at some point, I’d like to find out.

In any case, right now I feel cared for even though neither of them is physically here. And I’m feeling lucky to be me.

Edited to add: Several posts ago, I believe I mentioned that I might want to fall in love again. Turns out I have. With the husband.

This is my life, I need more crops

We played. When he got up, I told him to lock his cock up. He didn’t want to, but I insisted. So he relented and did it. I think he was surprised that I tracked down all the keys. Usually I leave him one. I could tell he was slightly distressed, but I didn’t let that deter me. I took the keys. I couldn’t find one of them. But I decided to trust that he didn’t know where it was either. All the same, I think I will get some new locks and keep them all to myself. He loses keys sometimes. Or hides them. Hard to say. Moving on.

He was working around the house until I got home. He said it was occasionally annoying but not too bad. After I got home, I laid out some clothes, cuffs, a collar, and a hood for him to change into. He needed to take a bath, so I let him unlock for that. He took advantage of my generosity by taking it off while running the bath water… and then decided to cook some dinner also unlocked… and bathed… finally. But I remembered that later on. He locked back up again and began cleaning the house while I chatted online with the raven. The raven and I ended up doing some very hot online play and the husband had to listen to me getting off with the raven.

After I got offline, I grabbed the husband and chained him face down bent over the end of the bed. I pulled his pants down and took a crop to his ass. I wasn’t easy on him. He had taken way too long being unlocked before he took his bath. So I decided on minimal warm up and I pushed him past pleasure and into pain a few times. It excited me quite a bit to see him suffering and trying to take what I was dishing out. He did. His ass was red from the crop and my favorite leather flogger. It was warm to the touch. That excited me as well. I put him on his knees on the bed and continued to crop his ass. He was very good about trying to stay still. Until I took the crop to his balls. That got him wiggling and pulling away as far as he could get still being chained down.

Eventually I decided to unlock him and tease. A different kind of pleasure and pain. I flipped him on his back and brought him to the edge about 4 times over the course of a few hours. He was begging to cum, and begging to be locked back up again. Begging to stay locked up all night. Begging for me to let him lick my pussy. Begging for anything and everything. Very hot. Eventually I forced him to cum. He was begging me to stay locked up and begging not to be allowed to cum. But I knew from the beginning I was going to make him.

The next day, I felt… taller. I felt stronger. I felt more relaxed as I moved through my day. Hurting people really does wonderful things for me. I should do it more often.

The winds, the are a’blowing

It’s been a whirlwind few weeks. Insomnia and trying to work through some of my own issues. Then both the husband and the raven are having some personal growth. And it’s been a bit painful for them. And for me.

I’m pretty sure the husband’s issues are what prompted my two weeks of insomnia as I was trying to figure out how I was going to handle dealing with the fallout from how his issues affect me and us as a couple. Ultimately, I will be fine. Hopefully we will be fine as a couple too. I do love him and I would like him to continue to be in my life. I think that as long as he keeps working on the issues, it will be just fine. Sometimes I am impatient, and want more progress. But I can wait. It hasn’t changed me so much that I don’t like who I am. Though it certainly has changed me. It also has reminded me that I’m a very strong person. So that is certainly a great silver lining to all the challenges. Sometimes it’s nice to get that little reminder.

A new thing though, the raven has opened up to me some. So I feel very positive about that. It certainly adds to my stress in some ways. Of course I don’t like it when people I care about are down. But I can’t help feeling a bit more positive about us. Plus I’m a little less stressed out. My trust issues still shout at me from time to time. But some things are starting to make more sense now that I know a little bit more about him. That makes it easier on me. It makes it easier to hang in there. It makes me hopeful for him as a person too. I hope he can see what I see. Though I also fear that might mean he won’t want to be a “secondary” partner once he believes he deserves to be someone’s number one. I think that would be worth the cost to me personally. Of course, it’s a lot easier for me to say that since I haven’t met him in the flesh yet. Touch is the most bonding experience for me, and we don’t have that yet. I still want it, even knowing it might not be a permanent situation.

All in all. I’m so excited for all 3 of us. I feel lots of change in the air. It’s exciting.

Sleep, finally

I suffered from horrible insomnia for a few weeks. This week, all I want to do is sleep. I feel like I have some odd circadian rhythm based bipolar disorder. I’m hoping that after catching up on some sleep, I will be able to go back to normal (for me) sleep patterns. In the meantime, it’s been a week full of navel-gazing and personal growth… just not for me! It’s probably another reason why I want to do nothing but sleep. After being the single-handed support system for two people I care about, I am a bit exhausted.

I’m happy to be exhausted though. I’m happy to be getting some sleep. I’m also happy to be seeing some serious potential for growth in the husband and the raven. I want to help them both if I can. I’m not sure I can. But I’m going to try.

With the husband, we have been down this path before a few times. It’s not a new issue. But I’ve decided to try my best to react differently this time around. Clearly, what I was doing before was not that helpful. So it would probably serve me better to try something different. Also, the husband seems to be much more amenable to staying on his meds this time. He’s been so conditioned by his family and his work to eschew meds. I’m glad he is making an effort to do this. The information I’ve read suggest it will help quite a bit. So that is exciting! I don’t like having to blow my top every few months. Not a fun pattern. I can’t necessarily effect much change in his behavior. (Though it is times like this where I really wish we were a TPE couple and I could just make it a rule.) But I can certainly change how I react to things. I also want to keep reading the blogs about his disorder. They are really disheartening. The main advice for partners seems to be to leave while you still have your sanity. I’m not really interested in leaving. But I think that by hearing about the patterns and experiences of others, I can become more adept at recognizing behavior patterns. That can’t be a bad thing.

With the raven, I’m thrilled he’s chosen to open up and share some of the inner workings of his mind. I also learned that he is a navel-gazer like I am. I hadn’t realized it since he keeps it all to himself. I suppose that makes a lot of sense. Most people don’t necessarily like sharing things about themselves that might be seen as negative traits or weaknesses. I’m hoping he will let me help him. He might not feel close enough to me to even let me try. And even if he does feel close enough to let me try to help him, it’s going to be really intrusive on his privacy issues. We both came to the conclusion that the privacy issues are going to be one of THE most important things to work on. If he can manage to make some major progress in that area, I think it’s going to be great both for him and also for me! So that is pretty exciting.

Now it’s 6am and I’m going to try to track down some actual food. Fruit snacks and soda do not a balanced meal make.

Normal & effort

In talking to some friends over the weekend, I realized how expectations are formed around what I think of as “normal.” Sounds very reasonable. Sounds good. Sounds like something everyone would do. And my guess is everyone does. The problem is that “normal” is really quite subjective. There are very few things that everyone expects out of others. Usually along the lines of the 10 commandments… but other than not murdering, stealing, or cutting in line at Starbucks, it’s all relative to our own life experiences and how we have processed that information.

So what has become totally normalized to me, may well be completely abnormal to someone else. I mean it could vary really widely! The difference can also be pretty catastrophic to my relationships if I am not careful. I have a certain set of expectations out of people I become close to. Specifically, I have certain expectations out of my submissive(s). A lot of the things I have come to expect really seem like no-brainers to me. But the discussion over the weekend reminded me that “normal” is relative. And if that’s true, I shouldn’t assume that someone isn’t making a pretty herculean effort in my direction. (Also, I shouldn’t assume something that seems herculean to me is any effort at all to them.)

Effort is important to me. I require it from anyone I’m in D/s relationship with. If I don’t feel like someone is making an effort for me, I tend to not feel like we’re in much of a relationship. Be it right, wrong, or indifferent… that is how it goes with me. The bigger the effort, the more special I feel. It makes me feel more dominant when I ask for something that I feel requires effort and he comes through for me. Now I realize that I need to also take into consideration what he feels requires effort. And on top of that, I won’t necessarily know when he is making an effort unless he volunteers that information or I ask for it.

I asked the raven a few questions last week. Turns out that something I considered to be completely normal and not requiring effort was something completely new for him. He’d never actually done it before. On top of that, he gave me photographic evidence. That’s another thing that seems quite normal to me but is a big effort for him. That knowledge left me feeling he really must be into me and into our relationship to make this kind of effort for me. And the husband is making a much better effort to keep me informed of all his comings and goings. I am alone with my thoughts this week, and I want to spend my time appreciating the men in my life and the effort they make for me.